“Always give without remembering, and always receive without forgetting.”
-Brian Tracy
A few days ago I attended a powerful workshop by Max Strom entitled, “The Power of Forgiveness”. I’ll admit that prior to the workshop I really knew nothing about Max Strom other than having a fellow yogi that just raves about him. After attending one of his classes, I definitely understand the respect and adoration for this man. A caring teacher and so much intelligence behind his words. I look forward for another opportunity to attend his class again in the future.
But back to the workshop, even without knowing who Max Strom was, this was the class title that jumped out to me immediately when I first saw the schedule. Anyone who’s read my blog knows about my journey through pain, heartbreak, struggle, and healing. For a long time, I struggled everyday trying to find peace and forgiveness. It was a long time before I could genuinely smile and fill my heart with love. It was the longest, loneliest, most painful road I’ve ever traveled but I’d like to think that I am a better man today because of it. That being said, it’s still a work in progress.
So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is the antidote to anger. Where anger is swallowing a hot coal and letting it burn you from the inside out, forgiveness is finally being able to spit out the hot coal. Forgiveness doesn’t mean denial, forgetting, or condoning. Forgiveness is freeing your heart and mind from pain. Forgiveness can never change the past but it can change your present and your future. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Happy lives require us to know how to forgive.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
~Lewis B. Smedes
Max shared a heartbreaking story of forgiveness that illustrated his point so beautifully. A few years ago, Max was waiting in line at the dry cleaners and was watching a serial killer’s trial on tv. Prior to the conviction, family members of the victims were allowed one-by-one to address the serial killer and say whatever they needed to say. Still too heartbroken and stricken with grief, most family members could only say a few unintelligible words before crying and walking away. As this was going on, the serial killer simply sat in his chair, leaning forward, looking at the ground, and being despondent. Eventually a father walked up to the podium and looked at the serial killer for a long time. Eventually he said, “I’m trying to forgive you,” and silently stared at the killer again. After a long pause he finally says, “I forgive you..” and walks away. As he is leaving he is immediately flanked by the media and reporters asking how he could forgive the man who took the life of his daughter?? In response, he simply said, “Because I still have 4 other children to raise and I can’t be a good father to them if I hold onto my anger.” Wow… I can’t even imagine the amount of strength and faith it would take to embody that type of forgiveness.
As I sat in class listening to Max, my mind quickly began processing all this information and I begun thinking about the people I need to forgive and how I should do it. Two people in particular jumped out at me because their actions and my subsequent anger completely altered and led my life along a serious detour for nearly 3 years of my life. The first person, a childhood friend, who completely wrecked my personal finances. Lost my entire savings, maxed out my credit cards, ruined my credit, and put me on the verge of bankruptcy and foreclosure with only the money in my wallet. And all this, 2 months after I had quit my job to chase my dreams. The 2nd person, a business partner who overnight ended my business and passion because of a misunderstanding unknown to me until it was too late. A business and business partner that I poured my heart and soul into (especially because of the events w/ person 1). I poured every ounce of energy I had and mentored this person day and night only to have her make a business decision based on emotion rather than logic. She let a personal issue affect and sabotage her (as well as my) business success. And while the first incident was a tremendous setback, it was the second incident that did the most damage. It killed my spirit. I gave up on my biggest passion. My purpose in life had died and I began living in mourning and denial. I was a changed man. There was no fire burning within me anymore. I became a shell of my former self, afraid for nearly 2 years to show everyone the real me. I was too scared, embarrassed, and ashamed to let people know the “failure” I had become. It altered the entire course of my life because I held a burden where I once held a fire. Everything changed… business, family, friends, relationships… Love. I may never be able to put my thoughts into words but I truly feel that these incidents were at the core of my losing Love. There was an emptiness and darkness inside and I had no idea how to ask for help because, well.. it terrified me. Had I known how to forgive, perhaps my life would be drastically different. Perhaps my life could have been simplier, easier.. happier. Perhaps if I could have let go of the darkness, I wouldn’t have lost the woman I’ve loved more than anyone before. Perhaps I could be loving her instead of trying to find forgiveness. Perhaps I would be writing about my happy ending instead of my rebirth and redemption. Perhaps… I should stop right here with the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s and get back to reality, the present moment.
For a long time I stayed angry, refusing to spit out the hot coal. I wanted it to burn because my fire was gone and I needed something to fill the void. And for awhile, my denial made the coal and fire feel the same. But deep down, I knew the difference. I was suffering, just too proud to admit it to anyone else. Max shared that when you are suffering you become self-centered/selfish but when you heal, you become self-less. It’s very true. When you’re in pain, it’s hard to see past yourself. It’s hard to see beauty and love when you’re sad. When I lost Love, I spiraled downward and crashed hard. I was so depressed, moody, frustrated, confused… I felt so much pain, I didn’t even want to be there for me, much less other people. And I may have shared this before but at my lowest point, a friend that I had previously ALWAYS been there for abandoned me because they were only interested in having fun instead of continuing to be a friend to me. But there were other friends who understood I was suffering and allowed me my time to heal. They continued being my friend knowing that my suffering was causing me to be self-centered. They understood it was a reaction to what I was feeling, not the person I was/am. They were my friends and patiently waited for my true Self to return. I’m sure you can relate because these are the friends you’d do anything for.
Back to those 2 people I mentioned, as Max was talking I began thinking about meeting with them, how I would do it, what I would say, etc. But then Max said something that made a lot of sense. Sometimes you just need to forgive people in your heart. The other person may not want your forgiveness. They may still be holding in anger and blame you. Their suffering could still be causing them to be self-centered. A few days later I was sharing this info with a friend when he made a point that reinforced Max’s message. Forgiving should be a self-less act. Meeting with these 2 people so I can tell them face-to-face that I forgive them is selfish. I’d be doing that strictly for my own benefit and so I could feel better about myself. That’s not true forgiveness. Then I began thinking of the word forgiving.
For Giving. At the heart of forgiveness, you must give. When I realized that, I began to finally understand what forgiveness really is. Like the quote I used to begin this post, “Always give without remembering…” Give because you want to not because you hope to get something back. Give because it is who you are.
I found tremendous peace in that revelation. I no longer feel any need to forgive these people in person because I don’t think it would serve any of us. They are living their lives and I am living mine. I shall continue to wish them the best as I hold forgiveness in my heart. I realize now that the only person the hot coal was hurting and affecting was me.
Once again, I’m ready to give.
-Namaste
P.S. As you can probably tell, writing this post stirred up a lot of emotions within me. Samaskara‘s (scars from the past) were resurfacing and I began feeling the pain again. I knew this would be a tender topic for me to write about but I knew it was something I really wanted to share. Hopefully sharing my story didn’t overpower the message of forgiveness that was the main point of this post.
Living My Yoga 