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Archive for the ‘Love Is So Amazing’ Category

After many months, Love and I are slowly becoming friends again. Life is very different for the two of us now but I’m glad we still have a connection. I have written many posts dedicated to Love as I have tried to heal from heartbreak. Today, I write this post because I think I have finally found the strength to truly let go. Love Is So Amazing and letting her go has been one of the toughest things I have ever gone through in my life because I’ve never cared or wanted somebody so much in my life. It was a love I had and eventually, a love I lost. And after I lost her, I’ve never hated myself so much. I was so disgusted with my stupidity and felt so pathetic, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. It was everything I ever wanted and it was my fault that I lost it.

“Please… let me go back. Let me go back one more time…..  I’ll do it right, I’ll do it right this time….. I’m sorry, Penny. I’ll change it… I’ll change it…”

-Desmond Hume, LOST (Flashes Before Your Eyes)

Now after many months and a sometimes very lonely journey, I’m healing. I’m not quite all the way there yet but I’m close, closer than I’ve ever been. I’m no longer jolted awake, clutching a pillow, desperately wishing it was her but instead I wake up gently with a smile on my face. No longer haunted by the memories flashing before my eyes. No longer focusing on blame but instead fixing my mistakes and seeking forgiveness instead. My heart is opening and eventually will be ready to love again.

I’ll be honest, I’m not good at letting go.  It’s tough for me because I am fiercely loyal and protective to those I care about.  I am the eternal Mr. Fix-it which can sometimes make me stubborn and hard-headed because giving up doesn’t get much practice in my vocabulary.  But in this instance, I must let go.  Not because I want to but because I need to.  I need to heal.  I need to move on.  I need inner peace.  I need to smile, laugh, and be happy.  I need to love life again.  And most important, I need to love myself again as much as I love Love.

I must let go.  It is time for me to let go.  I also realize that my last and probably biggest concession is that I must stop calling her Love.  After this post (I hope), I will no longer refer to her as Love anymore.  We are friends and I will refer to her as such.  For a long time, I thought for sure that this story ends with happily ever after but things don’t always work out that way.  Instead, I find myself needing to let go.

Dear Love,

You are amazing and I miss you so much.  Thank you for everything you are and everything you have done for me.  You have taught me so much about myself, love, and life.  Many things that  I will remember it for the rest of my life.  You truly changed my life.  I still love you so much and sometimes I wish I could hold you just one more time.  If I could go back and do it all over again, I would be sure to show you every single day how much I love you.  But if I can take solace in anything, it is this:

It started with a Perfect Kiss… And ended the same way.

Love Is So Amazing.

Thank you Love,

I Love You.

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I Melt

A few days ago I was reading Yoga Beyond Belief and it mentions how sometimes emotional pain can be hidden within our physical body.  Have you ever been practicing an asana when you suddenly experience a flood of emotions that can suddenly overtake you?  Sometimes joy and happiness, other times sorrow and regret?  And most likely the particular asana that let out all these emotions had nothing to do with it.  I’ve had fellow yogis mention moments when they would feel like crying during class.

I’m a person that crying does not come easy to.  I’ll get sad, maybe shed a tear or two but never cry.  I found myself in that situation yesterday.  Had lunch with a close friend and told her a little bit about my current struggles and challenges.  She has no idea about Love and myself and as much as I want to tell her, I’m trying to stay silent and let it go.  However, she inadvertently shared something about Love that made me happy but also very sad.  It was a very innocent comment and something deep down I think I already knew but that didn’t make hearing it out loud any easier.  I want Love to be happy.  I want her to have everything life has to offer.  I want her to live the life she’s meant to live.  But it’s also tough knowing that I’m not a part of that anymore.  It’s tough knowing that I’m not that person for her anymore.  She’s happy and while a part of me is very happy for her, another part still gets sad for me.  Time is helping to heal me but it’s been a slow process.

A few hours after this lunch, I went to yoga.  The comment my friend made was still on my mind which was frustrating but I was doing a fairly good job refocusing on our asana’s whenever it would pop back up.  Around the middle of class we were practicing Pigeon Pose.  We would practice it upright and then bring it down into a forward fold.  As we laid there, I was working on bringing my outer hip down and level with the other side.  Doing this helps with proper alignment but also intensifies the stretch in that outer hip.  But I knew that if I can quiet my mind and take deep breaths, eventually the pain would release.  And release it did… except it wasn’t just my hip that released, it was the emotional pain I was holding in.  It caught me so completely by surprise that I’m sure I shed a tear or two before holding the rest in.  For a second I was ready to pick up my mat and walk out of class but I knew that would have done me no good.  Throughout this whole ordeal, yoga has been my constant, my salvation.  Walking out of class would only make me feel worse later.  I stayed and even though it was a little tough, I also enjoyed it and was glad I stayed.

Later that night I was working on my computer while listening to some music.  On my playlist I saw a song that I really like but it also holds a lot of sentimental value.  The song is the same title as this blog post, I Melt by Rascal Flatts.  I hesitated for a second but decided to play it.  I couldn’t finish it.  All that emotion that was ready to release in class came rushing back up again.  The frustrating thing though is that I can’t seem to let it out.  It’s like I’m filling a cup with boiling water but it always seems to stop right before overflowing.  I’ve been able to let the thoughts go but I can’t seem to get the emotion out… Does that make sense?  My emotions want to let it out, release, cry, etc but my body (and mind) doesn’t know how.  Eventually that time will come and I hope that when it does, I will readily accept and welcome it.

As I finish this post, I will leave you with the song I mentioned, I Melt by Rascal Flatts.  It is such a beautiful song that holds a lot of meaning to me.  Please enjoy.

Love Is So Amazing.

Namaste.

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I saw her again a few days ago.  I wasn’t going to write about it but the chain of events have been rather peculiar so I feel like getting it off my chest.  As I shared in my last 2 posts, my days had been filled with more contentment and acceptance.  I have been trying to live more in the present instead of the past (and to a lesser extent, the future).  Thursday in particular was a very satisfying day.  There was really no reason, I just felt good.

Then I saw her.

It was a pleasant surprise.  We talked and shared a little about what’s been going on in our lives.  She’s doing some great things and I felt happy for her.  She’s doing good.  There’s still some tension and I still think we’re not quite sure what to say or act with each other.  I had an overwhelming urge to give her a heartfelt apology but there were a lot of other people around and although it’s something I feel I need to do (at the very least, to help me let go), I let my shame and embarrassment stop me.  Of course I should have done it because now I had this regret poking at my brain, chastising myself for being a coward. (Harsh but these were my honest thoughts)

The next morning I woke up thinking about it and I knew it would really bring me down so I had to stop thinking about it.  As stopped to buy a fruit smoothie for breakfast on the way to work, I parked my car and told myself to stop thinking about it, let go, and enjoy my day.  I walked into the store, ordered my smoothie, and as I was paying the cashier I looked at her name tag and guess what her name was…  I had to bite my lip, look down, smirked, and just thought to myself, “C’mon… Out of all names… I’m trying to let go.”  All I could do was laugh at the coincidence.

And so I paid, sat down, and waited for my name to be called.  There was another customer that was there before me waiting for her order as well.  They made her smoothie and called her name… Guess what it was?  Again, all I could do was laugh and say to myself, “Not cool… Not cool, man…. Cut me a little slack here.”  I know it’s a fairly common name but REALLY?!? The rest of the day went by without any other incidents but she was on my mind so it made for a lonely, frustrating day.

The next day I was driving around when she popped in my head again.  It was probably a few minutes before I consciously realized it and knew I had to stop.  A quote I once read popped into my head, “Feels like God wants me to be alone so I may achieve great things without any hinderance.” I highly doubt God (or anyone else for that matter) would want me to be alone but I also found some solace in that statement.  Maybe, for right now at least, I’m meant to be alone.  I don’t really understand but maybe it’s better this way.  Maybe I’m better off alone.

Maybe I’m better off alone.

And with that thought, I turned on my radio in hopes that some music would help soothe me.  I turned on the radio, a song started, and…

Do you think you’re better off alone…? Do you think you’re better off alone…? Do you think you’re better off alone…??

You have GOT to be kidding me!?! Alice Deejay’s “Better Off Alone”?  A nearly 10 year old rave song on a station that doesn’t even play rave music… And at this exact moment? SERIOUSLY!?!

Do you think you’re better off alone…? Talk to me. Ooooh… Talk to me.

I was speechless.  Incredulous.  Numb.  I couldn’t even change the station.  All I could do was laugh at my (mis)fortune… I’m not quite sure which one it is, to be honest.  I know I spoke of coincidence, luck serendipity, etc. in a recent post but c’mon, this wasn’t fair… Sad to say but I kinda felt like the Universe was mocking me.  I know what my heart wants but I can’t have it… I can’t… I just can’t… I can’t, right?

Fast forward to today.  I had the day off so I was just going to relax and spend the day at home.  Then I got a call for a last minute job that had to be done immediately.  I drove to the customer’s home and had to wait a bit for the carpenter to finish up his work.  As I was standing there, I happened to glance over at the bedroom door next to me and could only shake me head… Apparently they have a daughter and she had decorated her bedroom door with pictures, crafts, and her name all over the door.  Guess what her name was?  And guess who had that door staring at him for a few hours as I did my job?

Coincidence or fate?

Is life testing my ability to let go or is it trying to course correct?  Am I running away or towards my future, happiness… Love?  Am I supposed to keep my feet on the ground and follow along this path or take a leap of faith?  Am I mistaking coincidence for fate?

I don’t know.  I just don’t know…

Namaste.

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“Across the years I will walk with you-

In deep, green forests, on shores of sand,

And when our time on earth is through

In heaven too, you will have my hand.”

Dear Love,

These last few weeks have been tough without you.  I still think about you so much and you can’t imagine how much I truly, truly miss you.   

There are times I still feel very lost without you.  Sometimes it feels like the best part of me is missing because that’s what you always brought out of me.  With you, I felt things I have never felt before.  I wish so much for you to still be standing here next to me.   I wish we still talked for the hours that seemed like mere seconds.  I wish I could wrap my arms around you and hold you tight.  I wish I could stare deep into your eyes and see the world again.  I wish I could see your beautiful smile, it melted my heart.

It’s been hard without you… I’ve felt so lonely, confused, frustrated, betrayed, depressed, and angry.  I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and what I found wasn’t always pretty.  I blamed myself and reflected on so many times I should have done things differently.   If only I did this or if only I did that, maybe we’d still be together today.  I have been so hard on myself, there are times I even hated myself but eventually I realized I had to stop suffering.  I had to stop blaming everything on me and just forgive myself.  Though I’d still do anything to be with you again, I have to forgive myself for losing you.

And although I know I haven’t fully forgiven myself yet, I now realize that you’re not trying to hurt me.   You don’t want me to be sad or alone or depressed or angry… You want me to be happy, to live my life, to love again, and to be everything I’m meant to be.   It’s taken me a long time to see it but that’s what you wanted, isn’t it?

Thank you, I understand now. And I want you to know that I’m doing ok. I sure miss you but I’m beginning to enjoy life again. I can smile, laugh, and experience the simple joys in life. I am finding me again and that has brought back a small measure of peace and happiness.  I think I’m ready to love again.  Thank you. 

You also helped me a learn a very important lesson on love.  I realized that true, divine love has no boudaries.  I can’t love for selfish reasons, love must be infinite.  If I love you when I’m with you but feel anger/jealousy/sadness when we’re no longer together, that’s not infinite love.  Infinite love is wanting only the best for you, even if it’s without me.  Infinite love is being able to smile because I know that wherever you are, you’re happy.  No matter if our journeys are close together or miles apart, I will fill my heart with love and always let it’s beauty surround us.

Love, although we are no longer together I hope you know that I wish you all the best and I will ALWAYS be here for you.  You can always count on me.  Each day I will fill my heart with love for you and because of you.  Please remember to be everything you are and everything you are meant to be.  You deserve only the best.  Treasure every second of your life.  Be happy.  Laugh.  Smile that beautiful smile.  Share your love with the world.

I will always be thankful for the love you shared with me.  You are still the women of my dreams even if that’s the only place I can still be with you.  I only want the best for you and if I should ever be lucky enough for fate to bring us back together, I will be sure to show you that every single day of my life.

Thank you Love, you are so amazing.

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If you didn’t know, April 18 is the 108th day this year.  The number 108 carries a lot of significance in many cultures, religions, and philosophies on life, nature, the world, etc.  Yoga is no exception.  Mala’s usually have 108 beads (or some fraction of that number such as 27 or 54).  In pranayama, it is said that if one is able to be so calm in meditation as to have only 108 breaths in a day, enlightenment will come.  Some say that 1 stands for God or higher Truth, 0 stands for emptiness or completeness in spiritual practice, and 8 stands for infinity or eternity.  But the reason I will be using for this blog post relates to the Heart Chakra.  The chakras are the intersections of energy lines, and there are said to be a total of 108 energy lines converging to form the heart chakra. One of them, sushumna leads to the crown chakra, and is said to be the path to Self-realization.

Ahhh, Self-Realization…

As you can see from my recent blog posts, self realization has been a major focus for me in my yoga practice and life.  As such, on this 108th day of 2010 I would like to reflect on my yoga journey since the beginning of the year.   Although I attended my first yoga class around Oct/Nov of last year, January 1st was really the beginning of my yoga journey.  That was when I really began to take yoga seriously and incorporate it into my life. 

As I think back to the beginning of the year, I really can’t believe it has only been 108 days… It truly feels like its been a lifetime since then.  Here are some of my lessons along the way:

  • My year started off with 50 straight days of at least 1 yoga class a day (2 a day when I had the time and energy).  I enjoyed this immensely and it really helped me to refine my asana poses.  Poses became easier and much more familiar.  As I become more comfortable with the basics of each pose, I was able to explore it more fully and learned to listen more to my body and adjust accordingly.  As much as I enjoyed my asana practice, I also realized how much of yoga I had yet to learn, most needing to be done in my own time, outside of the classroom. 
  • I attended my first Kirtan a few months ago, hosted by the yoga studio I attend.  It was a very uplifting experience and the energy, love, and joy you could feel around the room was just amazing.  One of the highlights for me was having to sing, “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.  Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine” aloud, one-by-one to the rest of the class.  It was a nerve-wracking experience (especially since I had to go first) but the feeling of accomplishment and pride for facing this small fear felt so good!  We weren’t just singing lyrics to a song, it was sending a very important message straight to our soul.  It helped me remember just how important it is to keep this little light of mine burning brightly within me.
  • Also attended my first satsang which was focused on ahimsa (non-harming/violence).  I gained a deeper understanding and appreciation for applying ahimsa into our everyday lives.  It is instrumental to my development not only as a yogi but as a human being as well.  One of my biggest lessons is making sure to also practice ahimsa on myself in my words, actions, and thoughts.  Forgiveness is also an integral part of ahimsa.
  • Started blogging.  The inspiriation for this blog came from reading a book called Living Your Yoga by Judith Lasater.  I highly recommend this book! It helped me so much in learning how to live my yoga off the mat as well as on the mat.  It gave me direction and guidance when I felt my yoga practice had hit a lull and was unsure what the next step in my journey was.
  • I’ve learned how to quiet my mind much more now during asana practice and slowly being able to incorporate that into my everyday life.  I remember when I first started how scattered my thoughts were during asana practice, especially once I started feeling my muscles burning.   During those times, all I was waiting for was the teacher to hurry up and go to the next pose already.  But now, my mind is much quieter and during times of struggle, I am doing a much better job now of focusing on my breath and practicing ahimsa in my thoughts.
  • I am gaining a better understanding of my body.  Physically, it’s amazing that we can control different muscles through practice and awareness.  To understand how the most subtle movements can be the difference between doing a pose correctly versus “looking” like you’re doing a pose but could be causing an injury in the future.  I am more flexible and loose.  I have less body aches and pains.  I am more conscious of the things I eat and drink because they do have an effect on your body and how it operates.  Having much more awareness and respect for my body makes me think twice about eating unhealthly junk food.
  • I am beginning to find my spiritual family.  I have made great, new friends but also lost others who are on a  different journey in their lives.  I thank the ones who are no longer here for helping me learn and grow and I honor new friends for their motivation and support.

The list goes on and on.  As I keep rereading this, I realized just how much I have learned but it’s more than I can fit in a single blog post.  I’ve grown as a human being, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  My life has been filled with much joy and sorrow, smiles and tears, Love and heartbreak, and much more.  January 1st sure does seem like an eternity ago which amazes me when I think how different my life has become in just 108 short days.

After a short moment to reflect, I am now ready to continue on my journey and look forward to the new lessons and adventures the next 108 days will provide me.  Let us continue to move forward and find within us our Divine Self, full of truth, happiness, awareness, understanding, compassion, friendship, and most importantly… love. 

Love Is So Amazing.

Namaste.

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What a day!  It has been much too long since I attended a yoga class so being able to take a class today brought me great satisfaction and enjoyment!  Recently my focus has been concentrated more on the mental and spiritual aspects of yoga versus the physical aspects mainly because my mental and spiritual yoga practice felt severly imbalanced compared to the physical.  It was important for me to find a balance so that these three aspects could work in harmony with each other and provide a much more meaningful yoga experience/practice for me.  That being said, today was the day I planned to treat myself to a yoga class! 

The last few days have provided my with tremendous feelings of peace, love, strength, and happiness.  Where my life was filled with much distress and confusion (as I’m sure you could tell from my previous posts), I’ve recently experienced much more contentment and understanding.  As I drove to class I felt it would be very important to bring a bhava (an intent to class and/or devoting my practice to someone/something) to class today.  My bhava came immediately to me: 1) To myself, for strength to continue my journey in self-realization and becoming a better person, and 2) To Love, to thank her and honor the beauty in her yoga practice and life.   As I said those words aloud to myself in the car, the huge smile it brought to my face confirmed to me I had found my perfect bhava for today’s practice.

Entering the yoga studio felt so good.  To see the smiling face of my instructor and a fellow yogi made me very happy and welcome to be there.  Class started a few minutes later and though my body was no doubt tight, the poses felt familiar and satisfying.  As is the focus of this particular class, we start with a pranayama exercise followed by a moderate vinyasa flow to help create tapas (“heat”) to awaken and cleanse our mind and body.  Class went fairly quickly and during moments when my muscles were burning, I did my best to clear my mind, focus on my breath, and remember the bhava I brought to class today.  The last portion of class which is focused on gradually cooling our bodies down included a few supine twists, inversion, foward fold, and culminating with an extended 15 minute savasana to end class.  I found savasana particularly satisfying as I thought ofen of my bhava and felt very grateful and peaceful.  I think I honored my bhava very well today.  Class finished with a single OM and I whispered a silent Om Shanti to myself and Namaste to my instructor, and a wide smile on my face. 

Today was a day dedicated to strength and Love and I’d like to think it has helped me become a better person.  Tomorrow I will strive to take the next step forward in my journey.  May love continue to surround us.

Namaste.

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Destiny

My previous post, Love Is So Amazing, reminded me of a poem that I wanted to share.  At first I was going to include it in Love Is So Amazing but decided to give it it’s own post.  Hope you enjoy! 🙂

Namaste.

Destiny

As the angels in the sky

Watch the world spin idly by

And in their hand, the fate of man

That shall be lost like grains of sand.

For the destiny that you desire

Shall be one that you aspire.

And in this way it shall be best

To find a way to past your test.

For it may seem, but a dream

But in the end your love shall gleam.

And in it you’ll hear the melody

Of a soul yearing to be let free

From the shackles of mankind

And forever stop the hands of time.

And in this, you shall see

That life was meant for you and me.

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